


Apples are falling

by RedEyedQueen21



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Attachment Issues, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Family, Father-Son Relationship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Loneliness, M/M, Mentioned Abby Clark, Mentioned Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Mother-Son Relationship, Panic Attacks, Somewhat coda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedEyedQueen21/pseuds/RedEyedQueen21
Summary: Bobby stood in front of him for a bit, looking both unsure and sure about what Buck was feeling. He pulled the younger man into a hug, Buck flinched but hugged the man back.Bobby pulled away, but kept his hands on Buck’s shoulders. “I’m really proud of you, you know that, right?”Buck bit back a teary laugh, he didn’t trust himself to say anything, deciding to only nod and not look at Bobby directly.Sinking in loneliness and guilt, the crew realizes that Buck is slowing withdrawing, Buck's 3.0 phase comes with some depressing realizations.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & TK Strand, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 56
Kudos: 375





	1. Chapter 1

Buck was relaxing in the loft of the firehouse, half listening to Eddie talk about Ana while Hen and Chimney were reading their books but more so listening to Eddie tell what had occurred on his latest date with the teacher.

Buck had yet to tell anyone about what happened with Albert and Veronica and was only slightly hopeful that Albert hadn’t told Chimney yet.

(He didn’t think that would last too long)

“Buck!” Bobby shouted; the group froze as they saw their captain wave Buck over. “My office now.”

Chimney and Hen let out a chorus of “OOooh!” half smiling at the mere idea of Buck being called into the Captain’s office.

“I didn’t do anything!” Buck whispered defensively as he looked at Eddie, who just looked confused.

“You sure about that?” Eddie asked, half jokingly.

Buck sighed, biting his lower lip as he thought out what had happened this week. “Pretty sure?” he stated, confused as to what he might have done.

He stood at the door, only coming in when Bobby ushered him in. “Close the door please.” Bobby told him.

The fear became tenfold, Buck went into panic mode. “Am-am I in trouble?” he asked, feeling his heart tighten in his chest as Bobby sat down in his own chair, a folder in front him.

Bobby looked smirked, “Not really.” He paused looking at Buck’s fearful expression. “No, Buck, you’re not in trouble. I’m just…hurt I guess?”

Buck winced as he sat down finally, “What?”

Bobby opened the folder and pushed it to Buck, two familiar pieces of paper in the folds. “When were you going to tell me about this?”

Buck couldn’t help but feel bashful. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously as Bobby gave him a thoughtful expression.

“Buck, you received your paramedic certification and degree in fire science. Do you know how amazing this is?” Bobby asked, all smiles.

Buck shrugged, “It’s not really that impressive, I-it took way too long to complete on my own.” Buck stammered, feeling way out his depth as he could only stare at the two pieces of paper that confirmed that he completed the two courses.

Bobby shook his head as he chuckled, “It doesn’t matter how long it took, the point is that you did this.” He looked at Buck, “I had no idea that you were even taking these course, did you even tell anyone?”

Buck shook his head no.

“Why?”

Buck tried to smile, he wanted to make a joke but the past four years were weighing on him, especially his feelings about the lawsuit and truck bomb. He reprimanded himself silently on how his eyes were starting to sting.

“I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do this. You know, didn’t want the others to tease me when I gave up.”

“But you didn’t.” Bobby reminded him, holding up the two forms in his hands to prove that.

Buck rubbed is head, “Yeah,” he groaned, “I-I, its not a big deal. Chim is a paramedic, Eddie was a medic in the army, and hey! Hen is a paramedic going to med school. Figured why not join the clique.”

Bobby wasn’t buying it though and Buck could tell he could see right through Buck’s wall. “Yeah, but none of them went to get their degree in fire science. I can’t say 100% conviction that any of them want to move up the ranks to fire chief which is what most people who get their degree in fire science usually end up doing.”

“Not everyone has a fire degree, Bobby.” Buck reminded him.

Bobby nodded in agreement, he knew a lot of chiefs who didn’t and usually moved up ranks due to experience. “True, but it always helps to have experience and knowledge.” He looked up at Buck. “You’re an amazing firefighter Buck, and I have no doubt that you would be an amazing fire chief if that’s what you want to do.”

Buck nodded, his leg moving and feeling anxious to leave. He didn’t want to have his breakdown in Bobby’s office. “Thanks Bobby. That all?” He got up to leave as soon as he saw Bobby nod yes.

“Buck.” Bobby called out, getting up from his chair.

“Yeah?”

Bobby stood in front of him for a bit, looking both unsure and sure about what Buck was feeling. He pulled the younger man into a hug, Buck flinched but hugged the man back.

Bobby pulled away, but kept his hands on Buck’s shoulders. “I’m really proud of you, you know that, right?”

Buck bit back a teary laugh, he didn’t trust himself to say anything, deciding to only nod and not look at Bobby directly.

He closed the door behind him and went back to the guys.

Chimney smirked as Buck fell back onto the couch next to Eddie. “So…you grounded?” Chimney asked joyfully, earning a smack in the head by both Hen and Eddie.

Buck chuckled, appreciating his two friends for defending him. “Bobby just wanted to warn me about a complaint a person made.”

Eddie frowned at that, “That asshole from that car accident? He actually filed a complaint about you scratching his car? Half his car was fucking gone?!” Eddie asked incredulously as he turned his body to face Buck. “You’re not really in trouble?”

Buck grinned, “Nah, Bobby is taking care of it.”

“Saved by the Cap.” Chimney admonished as he got up, ignoring the eye roll from Hen. Before Hen could say something that alarms went off. “And saved by the bell as well.” Chimney teased as the group ran to their trucks.

It was later at night when Bobby brought up to Athena about Buck’s degree and certification.

Athena stayed silent for a moment, her glass of wine frozen at her lips, her face going through many expressions before landing on surprise. “He did what now?” she asked, setting down the glass, nearly missing the edge of the table as her eyes were solely locked onto Bobby’s face for any signs of the news being a joke.

“You heard me.” Bobby grinned at his wife, who looked impressed and a bit hurt that Buck appeared to be hiding his accomplishments.

It was out of character for Buck, who always was more prone to boast about his accomplishments- big or small.

Bobby chuckled as the two cozied up on the couch, “I seriously had a hard time believing it, I honestly thought Phil was pulling my leg when he told me he saw Buck’s name on the list of graduates.” Bobby could hardly believe it when his friend, a fire captain in Northern California and a professor at a local college who had called Bobby when he recognized Buck’s name and fire station.

“Why didn’t he tell us? Did he tell anyone?” Athena asked, her hands on his shirt as her excitement grew.

“No, that’s the thing, he didn’t tell anyone.” Bobby noted, taking a sip of his cup of tea. “He almost looked embarrassed when he saw the degree and certificate.” Bobby mused, he could feel his worry get the best of him as he recalled watching Buck throughout the day during their calls.

Buck was unflappable throughout the day- which consisted of three highway pile ups, two house fires, and a hit and run.

But he was morose and quiet, to the point where he noticed Eddie, Hen, and Chimney all looking worried.

Bobby had checked in with him before the end of the shift, with Buck only half-heartedly trying to convince Bobby that he was fine and heading over to Eddie’s.

At least Bobby didn’t have to worry about Buck being alone- he made sure to confirm with Eddie that Buck was indeed coming to his home.

“Yeah, he’s doing a movie night with us.” Eddie informed him; arms crossed. “He alright?” Eddie asked, trying to keep the worry tone out of his question and failing.

Bobby frowned, “Not sure.” He answered honestly, “Just keep an eye out on him?”

Eddie nodded before catching up with Buck who was already waiting by Eddie’s truck.

“You think this has anything to do with his parents?” Athena asked, breaking Bobby out his train of thoughts. She moved away from him and sat up straighter, “I have noticed a change in him, he seems more…closed off.” Athena noted.

She hadn’t seen Buck too often since the start of the covid shut down, but when she did see him, he wasn’t his usual boisterous self. He seemed…lost.

“You noticed that too?” Bobby asked, concern now etching his face. “He really hasn’t been the same these past few months.” He admitted. “Almost worse since he found out about his brother.”

“You mean _having_ a brother.” Athena corrected, nearly mad herself on behalf of Buck. She remembered Bobby telling her what Buck had disclosed and nearly going off on behalf of the youngest firefighter. “Still can’t believe they even had the audacity to show up here and act as if they had any claims over their children after what they did.” Athena huffed. “The amount of guilt and sorrow onto a child that young?! What were they thinking?”

Bobby stayed quiet for a moment, “I get why they would do it but-”

“But to take it out on Buck is another thing, Bobby.” Athena reminded him.

They both stayed quiet for a moment, “That kind of news would take a toll on someone.” Bobby noted. “I thought he was okay, Eddie was telling me that his parents were attending therapy with him now.”

Athena sighed, shaking her head at the idea of Buck’s parents attending therapy with him. Something was telling her that was too soon. Especially if the grief of losing their son was still something they weren’t ready to address, much less with themselves.

Athena hummed quietly for a moment before looking outside onto their deck. “You know, the weather is getting warmer now.” She started, smirking at her husband as she grabbed her glass of wine again. “I know we have to social distance and everything, but I don’t think it would be too much to have a very small dinner.”

Bobby smiled, “A miniscule dinner.”

“Maybe with just us?” Athena continued.

“And some balloons.” Bobby added.

“And we can’t forget a few gifts here and there.” Athena said thoughtfully, thinking on who she could and couldn’t invite in person to the party, already planning on what she and Bobby could cook for Buck.

Bobby pulled out his phone, “I’ll start the group chat to see who can come.” He said excitedly.

\-----

Eddie was stuck staring at his best friend, a fond smile on his face as Christopher was laying down on Buck’s lap. Christopher was awake and animatedly talking about the graphics in the movie, with Buck running his hand through his Chris’ hair and being equally as animated in conversing with Christopher.

He was relieved actually to see Buck and Christopher like this.

Both Christopher and Buck had been quiet and sullen for a few days now.

With Christopher, Eddie was having a hard time understanding why his son- usually so animated and sweet- was now shut off and quiet. Eddie and Carla had asked but Christopher would shrug them off.

Buck on the other hand was clearly putting up a front. Eddie knew that for sure, nearly wanting to call out Buck for his bluff today at the station. Eddie knew Buck wasn’t in trouble and no complaint had been filed against him, since Buck would have complained about that all day. Instead Buck was quiet and succinct, despite Eddie and Hen checking in on him.

Hell, even Chimney was getting worried about how much Buck was becoming more withdrawn.

The one thing though that hadn’t changed was Buck wanting to spend time with Christopher.

Once the two were together, it was like nothing was wrong with either of them.

Chris was back to his usually hyper sweet-self and Buck was back to his usually hyper annoying sweet-self. 

“Hey! No letting our ice cream melt, Eddie.” Buck shouted over to him.

Eddie shook his head before rolling his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming.” He set down tray of bowls on the table before passing one to Chris and then to Buck, who had helped Christopher sit up.

He always appreciated seeing Buck around Christopher.

“What?” Buck asked, slowly taking his bowl from Eddie.

“What?” Eddie repeated back.

“You are really staring at me today. You okay?” Buck asked, a bit confused but also enjoying how out of it Eddie appeared to be.

“I should really be asking _you_ that.” Said Eddie as he studied Buck’s shoulder drop at that.

Eddie knew Buck was going to lie before anything came out of the other man’s mouth. “I’m fine. I don’t know why everyone is asking me that today.” Buck said defensively.

Eddie sighed, he appreciated everything about Buck- from his optimism to his loyalty to his ability to always wearing his heart on his sleeve. It made it easier to read Buck, and despite Buck’s attempt to hide whatever was bugging him, it wasn’t working on Eddie.

“Because you look and sound like crap.” Eddie stated in a matter-of-fact tone. “You wanna tell me what’s really going on with you?”

“Do I need to leave?” Christopher asked from his side of the couch. He looked between his dad and Buck, unsure about why his favorite people looked so annoyed with each other. “Are you two going to fight again?”

Buck and Eddie flinched at Christopher’s tone at that, the young boy sounded genuinely scared.

Buck was quick to react since he was sitting next to Christopher, “No way Supe.” He caressed the young boy’s hair, “Your dad is just worried about me for no reason.” He added in a jovial tone that sounded very forced to Eddie. 

Christopher could only look between the two men for a moment. “Why would he be worried?” Christopher asked confused, “Are you okay?”

Buck bit back a sigh. “Yeah, of course I’m okay, I’m with you, right?” he smiled, this time genuinely, as he pulled the young boy closer.

“Right!” Christopher agreed cuddling closer to his Buck.

Eddie laid back with his bowl of ice cream in hand. “Guess I’m just chopped liver, right Christopher?” he teased his son. Sticking out his tongue to a giggling Christopher.

“Hey, no teasing my favorite kid!” Buck grinned, pretending to shield Christopher.

Things were going great in the home, till it was nearing Christopher’s bed time and Christopher himself was nodding off.

Eddie was on his way to carry Christopher back to his room when he noticed Buck getting ready to leave.

“You heading out?” Eddie asked, confused. This was the third time Buck was leaving back to his place. He usually spent the night during movie night.

“Yeah. We got that early shift, gotta get some rest, right?” Buck shrugged, picking up his keys and phone from the dining room table.

Eddie bit his lip, unsure to set Christopher on the couch again. “You sure you’re okay?” Eddie asked, knowing that again Buck would like. But he wanted to give his friend a chance to come clean on his own.

He thought for sure Buck would answer honestly as he saw for a quick second something akin to grief pass over Buck’s face before Buck flinched. “Yeah, got to spend time with my favorite person in the world. Best way to end the night.” Buck grinned at Christopher who was still asleep in his father’s arm. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Buck asked.

Eddie nearly bit his tongue from asking why that sounded like a question, but decided to save it. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said almost hollow like as he watched Buck leave.

Something was up with Buck- he knew that for a fact.

What really took it to home was even Christopher knowing something was wrong.

Eddie had kissed him goodnight when Christopher let out a worried. “Dad?”

“Yeah buddy?” he knelt down to become eye level with his son.

“Buck’s not alright, is he?”

Eddie tried not to reel back at that, he knew his son was perceptive but innocent. He wanted to stay cautious about answering since he also knew that Christopher was a little more clingy to Buck these past few weeks.

“I’m trying to figure that out, mijo. You worried about your Buck?” he asked sweetly, gently caressing his son’s hair.

Chris nodded, “He was crying.”

Eddie refused to let himself have a reaction to that. “What?”

Chris nodded again, “He was crying when he left the bathroom. I asked him if he was okay and he told me his eyes were itching but he looked like me after I get hurt.” Chris said sadly. “He’s not okay? Is he?” tears were threatening to fall.

Eddie could feel his heart break as he watched his son cry. “Hey, hey.” Eddie started, wiping away Chris’ tears as they fell. He moved to sit on the bed this time. “I don’t know what’s going on with Buck, but I’ll find out, okay? Sometimes adults just need to cry a bit before they can ask for help or talk.” He assured his son.

“You sure?” Christopher asked, sounding sleepy and afraid.

“I’m sure.” Eddie said as a promise. He set his hand on Chris’ cheek. “We’ll make sure we cheer up Buck the next time he comes.”

“Tomorrow?” Chris asked excitedly.

Eddie paused at that, wanting to be extra cautious now. “Well not tomorrow Chris. I have a meeting tomorrow with a new friend. Remember I told you that I met up with a new friend again and we are meeting again tomorrow?”

Eddie could only hold his breath at how that changed his son’s demeanor. Chris became quiet again, moving a bit so he there was space between him and Eddie. “Yeah.” He said sourly at Eddie.

Before he could say anything to Chris, Chris told him good night.

Eddie paused for a moment, who knew a 9 year old could sound so clipped at saying ‘good night’? He went to kiss his son, but Chris had pulled the sheets over his head.

“Right.” Eddie whispered to himself as he got up the bed, turning off the light as he closed the door a bit.

Apparently he wasn’t cautious enough.

He pulled out his phone and realized Buck hadn’t messaged him to tell him he made it back home.

‘You good there? Made it home okay?’ Eddie messaged.

He got a response a few minutes later after he had changed into a t-shirt and sweats for bed.

‘Yeah. Night.’ Was the only thing Buck had sent back to him. Which was fine- straight to the point. But it definitely didn’t follow Buck’s usual pattern of messaging him good night. Which was usually a load of emoticons and promises of their next outings with Chris or a movie suggestion for their next movie night or a new topic for them to discuss the following day or- the point was Buck was definitely quiet even through text now a days.

“Great.” He told himself, “I’m dealing with two moody boys.” Eddie groaned as he went back into his living room to message the rest of the team about what was going on with Buck and Christopher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding chapter two: Hint hint  
> :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck again, couldn’t handle the quiet and sadness that was engulfing them both. To lighten the mood, Buck asked “Think my kid will be as awesome as you?”  
> Christopher let out a hiccupped laugh, “If they aren’t, I could teach them! I would be an awesome big brother!” 
> 
> Keep busy and distracted, Buck knew he had to or else he would just succumb to all his fears.

‘ _Note to self_ :’ Buck thought miserably as he tried to keep his attention focused on his date, ‘ _Never agree to date while depressed._ ’

He had matched with Brooklyn after downloading Bumble (third time’s the charm) right after finding out about Albert and Veronica.

She was cute, blond and green eyed with adorable dimples.

Clearly the pictures she posted on her bio were old because Brooklyn, who’s actual name was really Nicole he discovered after they sat down for breakfast (he brushed it off quickly and with a smile after admitting his real name wasn’t Buck), cause Brooklyn wore long bleached blond dreadlocks, had more tattoos than in her photos, and had had multi-colored eyebrows.

He felt somewhat over and underdressed in a red button down and dark jeans sitting across from her as she had on a floral bodycon mini dress and multicolored tights . It didn’t seem like the other patrons at the restaurant minded her attire since everyone else was in their own bubble (literal bubble, covid precaution).

Buck honestly didn’t mind any of that- it was cute- in a Coachella festive way.

He didn’t even mind that once they started talking, Brooklyn monopolized the conversation. Her voice calm, but almost critical sounding (Buck tried not to wince at how his mom was able to pull off that tone during their _last_ therapy session yesterday). Maybe agreeing to this while he was still in a funk was not the best idea.

If that wasn’t enough, Brooklyn had made a passive aggressive sounding noise after he ordered a soy veggie burger. He didn’t want to be rude and ordered an actual beef burger due to her being vegan. “You okay?” He asked as she made another passive aggressive sound when he ordered an oat latte to go along with her hemp milk matcha latte.

“No.” She smiled serenely, again- Buck was struck at how she pulled off almost passive aggressive smile his own mom seemed to wear usually with him.

If that wasn’t the fucking universe warning him about what was to come, he didn’t know what was.

But of course, Buck chose to ignore the small little red flags- he didn’t mind them. Everyone had their hang ups and nerves on the first date, right? What he did mind was the constant discussion of astrology, holistic medicine, universe versus our destined path, crystal healing, and sound healing. Any attempts to stray from said topics caused “Brooklyn” to asses Buck’s aura, after the third time hearing it, Buck was starting to pay more attention to the murals on the side wall of the building across the patio and thinking if Christopher would be into making a mural of his own.

“It really is like a puke gray green color.” Brooklyn informed him (‘ _Is that an_ actual _color?_ ’ Buck thought), sounding condescending as hell. She peered at him, almost scrutinizingly. “Are you a Libra? You’re like, giving me Libra vibes, but your moon could be like a Scorpio.”

It took a few seconds for Buck to realize she had actually asked him a question, “Uh…no.” he shook his head, trying to keep focus on her again, “I’m a Pisces.”

Brooklyn sat back, tossing her locks back, “Hmm, that makes sense now.” She mused as their food was finally set down.

Buck bit his tongue, ‘ _Sure it does_.’ He thought to himself, forcing himself to at least complete the date. He figured he should at least be polite and see if he could salvage a friendship out of this.

“This really looks delicious.” He stated happily as he picked up his burger.

Brooklyn, yet again, made that weird noise.

“Problem?” Buck finally asked, the burger poised right at his lips.

Brooklyn looked at him for a moment, before picking up her fork to take a forkful of kale and spinach watermelon salad. “Did you know that soy has a ton of estrogen and can actually reduce a male’s testosterone?” she mused, taking a sip of her latte now. “I can totally put you on these colonic cleansers that would totally flush out those extra hormones.”

Buck took a bite out his burger, earning himself a glare. “That’s false. The estrogen you’re thinking of is a plant form of estrogen called isoflavone and it doesn’t affect men.”

Brooklyn became resolute, dropping her fork with a loud clank and crossing her arms. “Are you honestly going to mansplain to me what estrogen?”

Buck raised a brow, taking another bite of his burger. “No?” he said cautiously, “it’s just I’ve read about this before, I even actually got to talking about it in one my anatomy and physiology classes-“

Brooklyn rolled her eyes and got up drastically. “I have to pee.” she stated frankly before leaving to go inside.

Buck let out a long and tired sigh.

Yeah, there was no relationship here- platonic or romantic.

“I am so deleting bumble when I get home.” He groaned into his hands.

The waiter came around, with a to go cup of his drink and a note attached to it. “From the young lady in the red blouse.” The waiter grinned to Buck pointing over to a set of bubbled tables to the side of the patio.

Buck frowned at the cup before pulling the note, already wondering how the universe was ready to screw with him now.

Buck nearly laughed out load when he read the note:

_OMG! What in the fuckery?! For the love of God dude, run! I got your meal covered- Signed, The Universe._

He looked over to the bubbled tables to see a woman who could be his age, wearing a red buttoned up blouse, black pants, and a white and red headband keeping back a wave of wavy black hair. She wasn’t looking at him, but did look like she was desperately trying to pay attention to what the women sitting with her were saying.

He quickly got up and picked up his drink to leave, stopping by the maitre d’ inside the restaurant. “Hey, see the woman with the red and white headband? Could you tell her thank you and it’s on me?” he set down a few bills totaling 100 dollars and quickly rushed out to his jeep.

He sighed as he leaned back, he was already deleting his profile and app once he started his car. Before he could set his phone aside, Eddie called.

“Hey Eddie.”

“Buck! Hey, I have a big favor to ask of you.” Eddie started, sounding a bit rushed.

Buck sucked his cheeks in, hoping the call wasn’t to cancel their plans to hang out with Chris. He had already planned out a surprise activity for Chris. “Uh, you’re not cancelling on me for tomorrow, are you?” Buck asked, he could feel a shiver down his spine at the idea of being by himself again.

“What?” he could already imagine Eddie’s face scrunched up in confusion at that. “No! I was calling you to see if you could watch over Chris tonight?” Eddie asked, sounding unsure with every word.

Buck huffed out a laugh, “That’s the big favor? To hang out with Christopher? Eddie, I would love to. That’s not a favor buddy, that’s a great night in.” he thought for a second. “Wait, you didn’t pick up a extra shift or something did you?” he asked worriedly. He hated not working on shifts with Eddie- he felts like he couldn’t operate the same.

“No.” Eddie stressed out, sounding confused and amused. Buck could picture him perfectly making a face at the mere idea of picking up an extra shift. “I have my date with Ana tonight, remember?”

Buck tried to ignore the shift of feelings, “Yea-no, no. Pretty sure you mentioned that you were planning to ask her out again, right.” He paused, forcing himself to keep focus on Christopher and on traffic. “What time should I get there?”

If Eddie noticed the change in his tone, he didn’t say anything about it. “Could you come around six?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks Buck.”

“Yeah.”

Buck nearly hung up before Eddie called to him again, “One more thing.”

‘ _This better be about Christopher…_ ’ Buck thought miserably, “What is it?”

He heard Eddie take a breath in, “Chris has been pretty moody these past few weeks. Like teenager moody, and I am not ready for that at all.” Eddie confessed, almost sounding in pain at the idea of losing his sweet heart of a nine years old son.

Buck couldn’t help but laugh, “He’s pretty close though there Eddie. Kid is gonna be hitting the double digits soon, you’re gonna get a half dosage of teen-hood with him being a preteen.” Buck warned half sarcastically, he laughed at Eddie’s groan of annoyance.

“Please shut up.” Eddie begged.

Buck laughed maniacally, “Wait till he becomes 14 though, that’s a whole other territory! Ditching school, trying out alcohol with your friends, losing your virg-“

“Please stop.” Eddie begged again- his voice a bit louder but holding no anger or resentment, Eddie actually sounded amused, which caused Buck to laugh sincerely this time- knowing he could make his best friend smile while talking about tough subjects was always a pick me up for Buck. “Can we at least enjoy him while he’s still nine? I really really really _don’t_ want to imagine what he could be like at fourteen if he’s this moody now.”

Two things sobered Buck up at that moment. The word “we” and Eddie’s concern about Chris’ mood.

“Is it that bad?” Buck asked seriously, “He’s been fine whenever we hang out.”

Eddie sighed, “Yeah, because he loves you. He’s pissed at me.” There was some background noises, Eddie was clearly doing something in the kitchen- he could hear cabinets closing. “I think he figured out that I’m dating again.”

Buck pulled into his parking spot at his apartment complex. “You think so?” he didn’t realize his tone was flat again.

“Yeah, I don’t know what else could be up.” Eddie stated, “He was so excited about seeing you tomorrow night, I figured having you with him tonight could be better. He nearly sniped at me when I told him I would take him to Pepe.”

Buck couldn’t help but feel a bit vindicated at that, Chris was a smart kid- too perceptive really. He knew that little guy didn’t believe him at all about his “allergies’” the night before. It wasn’t really a surprise that Christopher figured out his dad’s “meetings” (a suggestion made by Chim; Buck knew it was horrible idea) were actually dates.

“Don’t worry about it too much, okay?” Buck started as he got out his car, taking a leisure sip of his drink. “Just get ready for your date, plus this is perfect- I get to show up for my surprise a day early.”

“What did you get him?” Eddie asked, worriedly.

Buck grinned, “Oh, you’ll see.”

He showed up to Eddie’s house an hour earlier, he had to.

His apartment was too quiet now and he couldn’t sit still long enough to any chores in his home without getting distracted by another chore or recalling what his parents had told them during their session with him.

It also didn’t help that he could _hear_ Albert and Veronica.

Eddie didn’t seem to mind or be surprised at all that he showed up an hour earlier than agreed upon. Eddie was half way dressed up, in nice dress pants and a navy-blue button down.

“Looking pretty fancy there, Edmundo.” Buck teased as they walked to his jeep to get out Christopher’s surprise. He could be happy for his friend.

He wasn’t going to be bitter about being left behind.

He was going to enjoy the time he had left with Christopher and Eddie, knowing he had to take a step back from their lives as Ana was making steps towards their lives.

“Shut up.” Eddie rolled his eyes, taking a look at what was in the jeep. “You-you gotta be kidding me, you bought him boxing gear?”

Buck nodded excitedly, “Yep!” he took out the boxing gloves and shook them in front of Eddie. “He’s gonna be stoked!” He passed a few boxes that contains boxing gloves and boxing mitts and set down two boxes of a standing punching bag and a punching dummy. “Dude, he got super excited when watching the karate kid, figured this would be a good start into self defense and _and_!” he stated defensively as he saw Eddie’s face twitch in concern. “It’s great for kids with CP. I’ve looked it up, it’s a great way to build up motor skills and reduce muscle tension. Plus, a lot of adults with CP swear boxing build up their muscle and built up their hand-eye coordination. I even got to read about UFC guy from Canada who has quadriplegic spastic cerebral palsy.”

Something flickered quickly over Eddie’s face. For a minute, Buck was worried he crossed a line, but his worries washed away once Eddie looked at him- bashful smile that nearly had Buck blushing. “What?”

“Nothing.” Eddie laughed, “You-you’re really amazing, you know that?”

Buck definitely knew he was blushing harder; Eddie was laughing out right now. “Okay, take it easy. Your hair is turning red.”

Buck pulled a face, knowing he looked petulant. “Not everyday you throw me a compliment.” He walked along side Eddie with the equipment in hand. “Must be the fancy suit.” He quipped.

“Sure.” Eddie rolled his eyes. “Oh, by the way. Made you and Chris dinner.”

Buck nodded, trying to not to twitch at that. “Oh, cool. So what am I re-cooking?” Eddie was not the best cook and usually any attempt led to the food being burnt, bland, or undercooked.

Eddie didn’t even miss a beat in responding to him as they set down the equipment in the living room. “Mac and cheese, and veggies. He’s being finicky again about eating broccoli and string beans.”

Buck nodded, already looking at the instructions to assemble the standing punching bag. “Veggie mac and cheese and roasted veggies and barbeque covered cauliflower.” He looked up at Eddie, “I got this. Go get ready for your _meeting_.” He couldn’t help but sounding flat, he always felt too comfortable at Eddie’s place. He needed away to separate his feelings here.

He needed to be appropriately attached without being too attached.

This wasn’t lost on Eddie. The older man opened his mouth, looking conflicted for a moment before closing his mouth and let his hands drop to his side. “Thanks.” He said, somewhat half heartedly as he realized Buck was pulling away again.

“I got your back.” Buck reminded him, even though the words sounded somewhat hallow, Buck didn’t look up as he tried to figure out how to set the punching bag up.

“I know.” Eddie turned to look at him. “I got yours too, you know.”

Despite Christopher’s caustic mood towards Eddie as the young boy saw his father get ready to leave for his “meeting”, Christopher mood towards Buck hadn’t changed. He was still excited to eat dinner with him and go over his science and reading homework as well.

He even let out an ear-splitting scream when he saw the boxing equipment set up.  
“This is awesome!” Chris exclaimed as Buck helped him put on the boxing gloves. They enjoyed a few rounds of hitting the bag, the mittens, and the dummy. Laughing it up as they sparred, pretending to be dueling Marvel superheroes (“I can be other characters besides Bucky, Chris!” “But you _are_ Bucky!”) A few hours into it, Buck noticed Chris was worn out and acquiesced Chris’ request to take a break. They enjoyed their night with a Marvel movie (2002 Spiderman because he and Chris always enjoyed how cringey the acting was) and a bowl of ice cream.

At first Buck figured he was just tired from boxing, but Chris’ face said otherwise. “You okay there, kid?” Buck asked as Chris looked uncomfortably at his ice cream.

“Dad is dating again, isn’t he?” Chris asked, somber and stoic at the same time.

Buck paused for a moment, setting aside his bowl and Christopher’s on the table. “Figured that was what was bothering you these past few days.”

“Dad told you?” Chris asked.

Buck nodded.

“I don’t want him to date.” Chris admitted, he leaned back on the couch. “I-I know parents date. But why does it have to be Ms. Flores?”

Buck’s jaw became slack at that, he moved so he could face Christopher. “How did you know he was dating Ms. Flores?” Buck asked, both surprise and not surprised.

“I heard him talking to her when he thought I was asleep.” Christopher admitted sounding a bit angry. 

Buck pulled him close, “What are you worried about, buddy?”

Chris looked up at him, looking a bit worried. “I-I don’t want things to change again.” He said softly.

“What do you mean?”

Chris sighed, “I don’t want you to leave.” He clarified, “If Ms. Flores marries dad, what happens to you?”

Buck blinked at that.

Honestly, that was the million dollar question he didn’t want to answer.

In all honestly, he knew _nothing_ would happen to him.

He would just be left behind in some way. If Ana and Eddie became serious, he would have to bow out more from Eddie and Christopher’s life obviously.

He wanted Eddie to be happy- the guy deserved it.

Christopher though, didn’t need that. He didn’t need Buck to project his insecurities and fear of loneliness onto him. Christopher was lucky enough to have a amazing father who would dote on him forever if Eddie was given the chance to and while Buck didn’t know Ana at all- if Eddie was into her, it meant she was a good person.

Plus, a teacher (or principal? Buck chided himself on zoning out when Eddie spoke about her) as a potential step-mom? Chris was set for life.

“Are you really worried about me or are you worried your dad is trying to replace your mom?” Buck asked gently. He didn’t doubt Christopher concerns over him, but wanted to make sure Chris wasn't deflecting.

Chris waited a beat before slowly answering. “Both?”

Buck and Christopher both laughed at that as Christopher scooted closer to Buck so that he was resting his head against Buck’s chest. 

Buck felt a pang of jealously and sadness wash through him, but he pushed those feelings aside.

“You know Eddie would never want to replace your mom, kid. He loved her and he loves you. Sometimes adults just need to be with another adult. It happens, but I’m sure if you tell your dad how you feel he would understand. He just wants to see you happy.”

Chris nodded, tears threatening to fall now. “I know.” He said, trying to wipe away the tears. “I want him to be happy too, that’s why I didn’t say anything but then I got-”

“Mad?” Buck finished for him as he wiped away Chris’ tears with his thumb.

“Yeah.” Chris sniffed. “Sorry that I’m being a cry baby.”

Buck flinched at that, “Hey, no way Supes.” He started, cupping Christopher’s face with his hands. “You’re not being a cry baby. You’re being brave, not a lot of kids would say how they feel about their parents dating again.” he wiped away a few tears. “I just want you to be happy. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Chris looked away for a moment before nodding. “I want you to be happy too.” Christopher confessed. “I- you’re not going to leave if my dad and Ms. Flores keep dating, are you?”

Buck breathed through his nose, biting back a smile. This kid could read him better than his parents. He felt his eyes burn with tears. “No.” he whispered. “I’ll still be here.” He promised. “Maybe less sleep overs and outings, but if you need me, I’ll be here okay? I’ve got your back.”

Christopher nodded, moving to hug him finally “I love you too, Bucky.”

They stayed that way for a while, both silently crying and both worried about how things were going to change.

Buck again, couldn’t handle the quiet and sadness that was engulfing them both. To lighten the mood, Buck asked “Think my kid will be as awesome as you?”

Christopher let out a hiccupped laugh, “If they aren’t, I could teach them! I would be an awesome big brother!”

God, he loved this kid as if Chris were his own kid.

They had fallen asleep together on the couch, again, it really was a common occurrence. Buck wasnt even startled to be woken up now. He looked up as his vision came into focus to see a smiling Eddie.

“You need a better couch, dude.” Buck greeted him. He could feel the springs press into his back.

Eddie let out a low chuckle as he scooped Christopher into his arms. “At least we have guest bedroom. The couch isn’t meant to have a restful sleep on.” Eddie reminded him, making room for Buck to get up and stretch a bit.

Buck waited a bit for Eddie to come back after tucking Christopher into bed.

“Did he-”

Buck lifted a finger towards Eddie, warning him. “If you are going to ask if he brushed his teeth and did his homework, then I’m leaving.” Buck warned, half annoyed and half-jokingly.

He had watched Chris enough times on his own to know the bedtime routine.

Eddie gave him a look, “No,” he started taking off his suit jacket. Buck felt himself sway a bit.

Eddie really did look great.

“I was gonna ask if Chris mentioned anything about why he was so moody?”

Now it was Buck’s turn to give him the “Look”. The younger man shifted a bit, feeling his muscles ache. “You know why.” Buck answered him, clipped.

“He knows I’m dating.” Eddie confirmed.

Buck nodded, moving to get his phone and keys. “Yeah. And he knows you’re dating Ms. Flores.”

“H-“

“He overheard you talking to her.” Buck shrugged as he saw Eddie flinch at that. He really hated talking about this, but that was his problem to deal with. Not Eddie’s. “He just wants to be reassured that you’re not trying to replace Shannon.”

Eddie nodded at that, grabbing two beers and setting them on the table. “I know you told him I wouldn’t do that.” Eddie stated confidently as he took a seat and opened a bottle.

“I did.” Buck confirmed, he eyed the second bottle of beer that was placed Infront the chair net to Eddie’s. “And I’m gonna head out.” He said, jutting his thumb towards the door.

Eddie got up, “Wait, you’re not gonna spend the night?” he asked, sounding worried as he watched Buck put on his shoes.

“Nah, I’m good. I gotta get some sleep.” Buck smiled, feeling the need to retreat grow stronger. Despite promising Christopher, he would be there for him, he needed to get ready for when Eddie pulled away finally. “Plus, something tells me if I don’t head back home, Albert will allow the trash and dishes to pile up.”

Eddie frowned at that. He was already standing behind Buck who was at the door. “You know you can just spend the night, right? I mean you’re still planning on coming back here tomorrow night, you might as well just stay and make it easier on yourself. We could head to work together.” Eddie suggested.

‘ _Easier on myself, right._ ’ Buck thought miserably.

He tried and failed to smile. He closed the door behind him, ignoring the pull from Eddie. “Night Eddie.”

“Buck!”

By the time he got back home, it was nearly 11 pm.

He was tired, wired, emotionally drained, and angry.

The last emotion was totally targeted at Albert, who had let the dishes sit in the sink all day and had neglected to take out the trash…again.

“Just two chores, only two things to do. Is that too hard?” he half yelled out towards the bathroom where Albert was clearly taking a shower. The water pressure going hard. “And if you use up the hot water, I will murder you!” Buck screamed, pounding a fist against the door.”

“Sure!” Albert yelled back, almost giggly.

Buck groaned, realizing all too soberly that 1) he would more than likely have to shower either in the morning or at the station and 2) he probably should have spent the night at Eddie’s.

But what would be worse? Being lonely in his own apartment or being guilty at Eddie’s home?

He tried to push away both feelings as he started to wash the dishes, needing something to focus on and numb him out. He was nearly done, when the water started to turn brown and became viscous. “What the hell?” Buck jumped back, shutting off the water quickly and turning it back on again to discover the water was still brown and putrid smelling. “Oh god.” He groaned, realizing what was coming out of his sink.

That’s when he heard two different voices shriek from his bathroom. “Albert?!” Buck yelled, running to bust open his bathroom door to discover both Albert and Veronica naked and covered in…

“Shit!” Veronica yelled as she pulled the curtains to cover herself up.

“What the hell is this!?” Albert yelled as he scrambled to get their towels.

Buck had his back on them now, not wanting to laugh at the two. His phone pinged with a message from the apartment manager, warning the tenets of a pipe malfunction.

Buck let out a snicker.

“This isn’t funny Buck!” Veronica yelled, as Albert tried to turn off and on the water, letting them covered more in the “water”.

“Sort of it though.” He choked out through his laughter. “Definitely is.” He turned around, his eyes closed and covered now. “Apartment manager just sent out the warning.” Another ping got all their attention. “Aw, shit.” Buck groaned as he read the message.

“What?!” Veronica snapped, trying her best to wipe down her hair.

“Shit,” he repeated. “Manager and owner are asking tenets to leave, apparently contractors fucked up piping during a maintenance call last week. They’re asking us to leave by tomorrow evening.”

“For how long?” Veronica asked while she and Albert stepped closer to read the messages coming through, causing Buck to step back. He noted happily that they weren’t using his towels at least.

“I beg of you, please step back.” He begged them, “You guys smell like _death_.” He informed them, feeling ready to puke at the sight of them.

“Seriously?!” Veronica nearly screeched.

“Back up and just stay there for a bit.” Buck repeated, herding them back into the bathroom. “I have some bottle water cases you guys can use to wash up with.” He told them as he walked over to his pantry closet. “But, yeah, apparently, we’re out on the streets for at least two weeks while they look at what the hell happened.”

“Two weeks?!” Veronica screeched. Albert just looked aghast, “Where would we even go?!”

“We could get an airbnb?” Albert suggested to the two of them, looking excited.

Buck said nothing as he passed two crates of bottled water onto the bathroom floor and closed the door behind him, ignoring Albert’s hopeful look and Veronica’s dumbfounded one.

A message from Eddie popped up while he was looking at options on Airbnb for _himself._

‘ _We are talking tomorrow.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christopher and Buck scenes are just so adorable to write.  
> Chapter 3, push and pull.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Buck really wanted to come back to the team and he’s never one to shy away from danger or helping people and at one point, never one to step back from the lime light. Which is why this is really shocking to hear.” Bobby admitted shaking his head, he got up and walked to pick up a frame picture of the two of them.  
> “This Buck? Evan Buckley?” Bobby asked again.  
> Alonzo, this time, found no humor in this. “Yes. He turned down the governor twice. Stated he didn’t want it. Stated it was something any person at the time would do.” The chief almost looked impressed.

“When was the last time you heard from Buck?” TK whispered to him.

Mateo looked up from where he was sitting on the couch next to Paul and Marjan- who were playing COD. “What?” he asked distracted, catching himself from jumping in surprise to how close TK was standing next to him.

“Yo Strand, back it up. Social distancing and all that.” Marjan warned half seriously, eyes never leaving the screen.

TK refused to sigh in agitation at that, but Carlos had his back. “Said the people who come into our home everyday sans mask.” He said with a smirk as he poured a glass of juice for himself. All three of them were again back at their home, playing video games and eating pizza on their day off.

“Rude.” Paul pipped up.

Mateo shook his head laughing, but stopped when he saw the worry look on TK’s face. “He hasn’t responded to any of my calls or texts since last Monday.” Mateo answered him as he pulled out his phone to send another message to Buck. “He was weird the last time we spoke though. Did he get back to you?”

TK shook his head, leaning against the side of the couch. “Sort of worried about him. Wilson, that paramedic that helped my dad during the brush fire, she and my dad were catching up and she mentioned that Buck was getting quiet on them at the station too.”

“Pause, who’s this?” Paul asked pausing the video game, earning a groan of annoyance from Marjan.

“It’s that creepy dude from L.A that Eddie is friends with.” Marjan explained, trying to un-pause the game.

Mateo nearly flinched at the expression on TK and wasn’t surprised at all when he went to turn off the TV.

“I was winning!” Paul moaned.

TK though, was resolute, as he stood in front of the television with his arms crossed. “He’s not creepy. You barely spoke to the guy.” TK said defensively, “And maybe if you got the chance to know him, you would have realized he’s just a guy who wanted to meet his hero.”

Marjan guffawed at that, causing Paul to look back and forth between TK and Carlos. “Am I sensing no jealously here?” Paul asked Carlos, “Isn’t Buck the same guy who hit on you?”

“Can you blame him?” Carlos laughed; he honestly didn’t look worried. “But he’s right, Buck is a good guy. Funny as well, pretty sure when he comes out, he’s gonna be beating off guys with a bat with that golden retriever energy he has.”

“So you actually talked to him? Like together? The both of you?” Paul asked looking at Carlos and TK, he could feel Marjan try not to laugh as she leaned back against the couch, pizza in hand now.

Mateo made a pfft noise, causing all four of his friends to look at him. “Buck isn’t gay.”

Carlos opened his mouth, only to be given a death glare by TK. “You say nothing!” TK warned him as that got Marjan and Paul looking excited in the conversation now.

“Is there something to be said?” Paul asked, intrigued as he set the control down on the table. “I have to hear this.”  
TK winced before turning to Mateo, “He’s been withdrawing from the 118. Hen isn’t sure why; I’ve been trying to call him all this week. Last I time we spoke was on Monday and I’m pretty sure he was having a panic attack on the phone with me- he was trying to hide it though.” TK explained nervously, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand and writing out another text to Buck with the other.

“Maybe he’s having a bad day? Maybe a call broke him?” Marjan suggested, looking genuinely concerned this time, her gut churning at the amount of concern TK and Mateo had for the guy.

“Yeah, I thought that was the case too. Till Hen and my dad started talking about how he turned down medal of valor.” The rest of the story came to halt when he heard all three of his friends make some weird noise at that.

Carlos could only snicker as he looked to the three: Marjan looked like she was about to have a stroke, Mateo looked confused, and Paul could only close and open his mouth a few times.

“He did what now?” Marjan asked in an almost cartoon-y voice, her eyes looked hysterically wide. “Dumbasser did _what_ now?!”

\----

 _In L.A_ …

“He did what now?” Bobby asked, aghast and winded as he sat across from Chief Alonzo in his office.

Alonzo looked at him humorously but also annoyed, he fidgeted with his cap on his leg as he took in the state of shock on Bobby’s face. “Pretty sure you heard me the first two times, Captain Nash.” Alonzo smirked, “You got an interesting kid on your crew. Other chiefs have been looking at him, nearly had to stop one captain last year from taking him off your crew after the lawsuit.”

That was a hit to Bobby’s chest, “A captain wanted to take Buck, knowing about the lawsuit?” He asked for clarity.

Alonzo nodded, “Some hotshot NYFD captain who moved to Austin, Texas. He figured Buck could use a break and saw it unfair that his captain was holding him back despite getting clearance.”

Bobby breathed through his nose at that, feeling the guilt tenfold- he knew the only reason why LAFD didn’t fire him for that was because they thought they could see the parallel between Buck and himself.

He laughed then.

Wasn’t laughing now.

He never wanted to admit it out loud- except to Athena, who just _knew-_ but that golden retriever of a kid had a special place in his heart.

“Buck really wanted to come back to the team and he’s never one to shy away from danger or helping people and at one point, never one to step back from the lime light. Which is why this is really shocking to hear.” Bobby admitted shaking his head, he got up and walked to pick up a frame picture of the two of them.

He ignored the look from Alonzo.

“This Buck? Evan Buckley?” Bobby asked again.

Alonzo, this time, found no humor in this. “Yes. He turned down the governor twice. Stated he didn’t want it. Stated it was something any person at the time would do.” The chief almost looked impressed, “Got me interested in learning more about the kid. Come to find out, he graduated recently with a degree in fire science and turned down the opportunity to be co-captain at a station in Marin County.”

“I’m sorry, what?!” Bobby nearly choked on his spit; he could feel the blood pound through his head as the Chief Alonzo rolled his eyes- the older man couldn’t help but smirk though. He was truly impressed by the young firefighter.  
“Like I said, you got an interesting kid.”

Bobby breathed out a sigh, “He never told me this.” He said more to himself than to Alonzo.

“Which is why I’m really here to talk to you, I could have just made this a call, but something told me this wasn’t a phone matter.” Alonzo stood up so that he was now facing the captain. “I’m saying this as a friend and not as your superior, Bobby. You need to make sure that kid is alright.”

Bobby winced, he knew from the crew that Buck had withdrawing from them and becoming more somber, but no one knew exactly why. Not even Eddie or Maddie, and that was saying a lot.

“Something to be said when people who don’t even know him are becoming worried about him.” Bobby sighed as he took in Alonzo’s eyes filling up with regret and concern. “What clued you in?” Bobby asked genuinely.

Alonzo pressed his lips together, looking conflicted before taking a step back. “A guy on my crew back in the day, couldn’t have been more than 27 or 28 years old at the time.”

Bobby could feel his muscles tense, he knew where this story was going. They all started out this way. He hated the idea that Buck was following where so many other front liners went.

Because they would never come back.

“Steven Willard, was someone I once and still do consider a friend. My best friend at the time- I saw the signs, now actually, back then- therapy and trauma, wasn’t something we discussed frankly about. You were told to move on, to suck it up and deal with it. He learned how to do that and he was so good at it. Covered up how he was breaking that no one said anything.” The chief pinched the bridge of his nose hard, he was still reeling from the loss after all these years. “Stepped into a five-alarm fire, never stepped out.” Alonzo sighed as placed his cap back on.

Bobby just remained silent, looking crest fallen and anxious.

“Like I said Bobby, this isn’t a work visit. Just a friend concerned about another friend.” Alonzo explained, patting Bobby on the shoulder as he made his way out the office.

….

“Why do you look like someone keyed your car?” Chim asked Eddie as younger man slammed his locker shut after changing into his uniform. “Everything alright? You and Ana had a bad date?”

Eddie refused to bristle at that, “The date went fine, actually. It’s just that Buck’s not answering his phone.”

Chim rolled his eyes, “And? Are you two that co-dependent now that you need to relay your date night out story to him immediately?” Chim tried to laugh, but the Eddie’s glare shut him up quickly.

“Okay…” Chim said to himself as Eddie walked by him, looking ready to punch him out.

“What the hell was that?” Hen asked as she caught sight of Eddie looking ready to murder someone.

“A non-lover quarrel between the pup and the Rottweiler there.” Chim explained as they followed Eddie to the loft where breakfast was waiting for them.

Hen and the other firefighters were already to eat at the table, she giggled as she saw Chim dance in his seat- looking at the stack of waffles on his plate.

She caught sight of Eddie sitting a few spots down. Sitting next to him and across from him where firefighters Santiago, Arevalo, and Moor.

‘ _That’s not right_.’

“Where’s Buck?” she asked out loud to the crew, they never ate without all firefighters accounted for at the table.

Bobby set down another stack of waffles on the table and took his seat at the head of the table. “He’s not coming in today. Asked for a shift off, doing a full 24 on Saturday though.” Bobby explained easily.

“He what?” Eddie asked, confused and frustrated looking, “Is he okay? I’ve been trying to call him since last night.”

Bobby looked between his team, all of them looked confused or worried. “He’s fine.” He turned to Chimney, “Surprised your brother didn’t tell you.” Now the whole crew turned to chimney who had a piece of waffle hanging out from his mouth.

“Tol’ me wa?” Chimney asked, trying to chew and talk.

“Okay, Chimney, do you actually eat while you’re at home?” Hen asked sarcastically as a few other firefighters groaned in disgust.

Chimney rolled his eyes, not caring a bit about what the others were saying and swallowed the food in his mouth. “Told me what, Cap?”

“Buck’s apartment is having some water problems. Apparently, maintenance botched up the job and the whole building has to be evacuated for a few weeks till the pipes are figured out and fixed. He’s fine though.” He assured his team, a few went back to eating, while Hen and Eddie looked at him, uncertain about what was really going on.  
“He’s really fine you two. I checked it out with LACWD- there have been numerous complaints about Buck’s apartment complex since last night.”

Hen dropped her head down in relief as Eddie’s shoulders became lax.

Hen shook her head as she threw a piece of her waffle at Chimney’s head. “You really had no idea? You're shacked up with Buck’s sister and your brother lives with him, how did you not know this?”

Chimney feigned being affronted, “My apologies, I wasn’t aware that I’m my half-brother’s roommate keeper.” His phone buzzed on the table. “Speak of the devil.”

“Is that Buck?” Eddie asked hopefully.

“No worse, it’s Albert.” Chim sighed, as his phone buzzed again- a few times. “Informing me of the pipe situation.” He gave a wide smile, “Apparently he and his new girlfriend got caught in the mess.” He pulled the phone close to his heart. “I can only hope that Buck got a pic of that. Albert covered in sewage will be my Christmas card for this year.” The phone buzzed again, “Okay, so he, Buckeroo, and the girlfriend plan on getting an Airbnb together. He’ll send me the info.” He dropped his phone to the table, the smile still plastered on his face. “Satisfied now? Ol’Buckeroo is safe and sound.” 

They went back to eating for a while, talking amongst themselves. But Bobby knew the crew was still worried about their teammate.

While cleaning up, Hen realized something. “I didn’t know Albert got himself a girlfriend. How did that happen?”

Chim shrugged, putting away the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher as Eddie cleaned off the counter. “Didn’t say, just told me it was a neighbor of Buck’s named Veronica, I think?”

Eddie made a weird strangled noise, catching the twos’ attention. “What?” he gave out a sour laugh, tossing the cloth he was using to clean up. “Her name is what now?” he asked, he looked pissed again.  
“Veronica?” Chimney said unsure. He held up his hands in defense. “A ex or something?” Hen asked, taken aback to how annoyed and tired Eddie looked.

Eddie rolled eyes as he pulled out his phone and called someone. Clearly the call didn’t go through, Eddie cursed softly to himself. “Buck’s lying.” He stated as he walked away from them.

“Cap cleared with LACWD.” Chimney reminded him, only to watch as Eddie ignored them and made his way downstairs. He turned to Hen, looking back and forth to where she was standing and where Eddie had stood. “Did I _miss_ something here?”

Hen pushed herself off the counter, arms crossed and face etched with concern. “Yeah, you did.”

Chim threw his arms up, frazzled by the way his team was acting. “Then care to tell me what I’m missing and what everyone seems to know?”

Hen sighed, “Okay.” And then she told him.

“HE DID WHAT NOW?!”

\---

Later in Austin, Texas…

“Buck?” TK was gonna panic himself now. “BucK?! Answer me!” TK shouted into the phone, he rushed over to where his dad and mom were sitting and put the call on speaker phone, he looked at his dad who looked confused till TK mouthed “It’s Buck.”

Confusion turned into concern as Buck’s breathing became labored.

“Buckley, you gotta answer me. What happened?” TK asked worriedly as he let the phone sit on the table, his mom looked worried as well, noticing her son’s hands were shaking.

“I-I need to go.” Buck wheezed.

“You need to keep him on the phone. He’s having a panic attack.” Owen whispered, earning an annoyed look from TK.

The younger man crossed his arms, rolling his eyes at his dad “Yah think?!” he whispered harshly before carding his hand through his hair. “Buck, Buck. I need you to stay with me. Are you with anyone right now?” TK asked.

He heard Buck laugh and nearly felt himself falter at how wet and broken the “laugh” sounded. “Buck? C’mon buddy, you gotta tell me if anyone is with you or where you are.” TK pleaded.

“I-I keep _bugging_ people. I’m sorry TK.” Buck whimpered before hanging up.

TK lunged for his phone now as the call dropped. “No, no, no, no, no. Buck!?” TK nearly yelled, he looked at his dad. “What the hell?” he tried calling his friend again only for the call to go unanswered.

“What happened?” Owen asked sternly, trying to get his son’s attention. TK was shaking but repeatedly calling Buck.

“He’s not answering.” TK huffed, pacing around the kitchen. Own followed after him and stopped him, setting his hands on his son’s shoulders.

“What happened, TK?” Owen asked again, making sure his son was focused on him.

“He-He was fine.” TK started, looking more worried by the second. His mom walked closer to him to pull him close. “Mateo and I have been trying to call him this week, but he said he was busy and he finally called me back. He sounded fine, we were laughing and talking about apartment hunting in L.A, all of sudden he said he felt something weird under the couch and started breathing weird.” TK looked at his dad and mom worriedly. “I kept calling out his name thinking he found a rat or something but his breathing became labored and I could tell he was crying.” TK fell back against kitchen counter; he swore softly as another call went unanswered.

“He’s gonna be okay, sweetie.” His mom tried to assure him, but he broke away from her. “He has family or friends close by, right?” Gwen asked, trying to gauge a reaction from Owen.

TK sighed, hands on his head for a moment before dropping them to his sides. “He just moved into a Airbnb, he didn’t give out the address to anyone but me and I don’t have any of his teammates or sister’s contact info.”

Owen pulled out his phone, “You may not, but I do.” He stated in a matter-of-fact tone. “I still keep in touch with Hen. The paramedic from 118, she said she and Buck are friends.” He called her but the call went to voice mail. “Hey Hen, this is Owen. Call me asap. It’s about the Buck kid your friends with.” He disconnected the call and immediately messaged Hen as well.

He pointed at his son, “Call Wilcox, tell him we might have a SI firefighter. I’m going to see if I can get through to the Chief in Los Angles.”

All the color from TK’s face left, “Dad, no.” TK begged, moving past his mom to stop his dad from getting past them. “Buck isn’t suicidal, he wouldn’t kill himself.”

Owen immediately shifted to Captain, “And how do you know that? You this kid’s therapist or something?”

TK cocked his head, breathing out his annoyance. “No, but Buck is my _friend._ I know he wouldn’t do that. He loves his job, if we report him for SI, he might never get to work as a firefighter again.”

“Well it won’t matter if he dead now, wouldn’t it?” Owen yelled over his son.

“You don’t-” TK started to say till his mom got in between them, her hand set on both of their chests.

“Time out. Time out now.” Gwen warned them, ignoring the matching father and son glares the two were sporting. “TK, your father’s right.”

TK sputtered in disbelief, “Mom!”

She rested both of her hands on his chest now, “If Buck is your friend, then we need to make sure he’s okay. We can call it in a welfare check?” she looked to Owen for support and to see if he was willing to compromise. “That way there’s no outright accusation of suicide ideation coming from anybody and Buck gets the help he needs.”

Owen and TK looked at each other, both glaring at each other for a moment before TK closed his eyes and groaned into his hands. “Fine,” he agreed. “I’ll pull up the address he gave me.”

Owen’s phone buzzed, “It’s Hen.” He showed off the screen and accepted the call, immediately putting the call on speaker phone. “Hey Hen.”  
“Strand, what’s wrong?” Hen asked, her voice coming strong and worried.

….

_In L.A_

“I’m going to murder him.” Eddie said more to himself than to Chim as he got ready to leave in a hurry with Chris. “I’m going to find him and kill him, what was he _thinking_?” Eddie asked, panic flaring internally.

He could almost _see_ Chim’s down trodden expression, despite just speaking over the phone. “I knew something was wrong with him. I fucking knew it.” Eddie admitted out loud. He rubbed his forehead, “He hasn’t been himself this past week and I don’t know why.”

Chim made a noncommittal sound, “Maddie’s confused too, she’s been trying to get ahold of him since Monday but he’s been avoiding her. I don’t know what the hell is going on with Buckeroo here but this is way out of character for him, if anything he craves to have people around. Not push them away.” Chim paused, clearly hearing the rustling that was going on Eddie’s side. “What are you doing? Are you going out to look for him yourself?”

No response.

“Eddie?! Come on! How are you gonna find him in Los Angeles? Maddie and I already checked the house he had booked and its already empty.” Chim tried to explain reasonably. “He did message you earlier to say he wasn’t coming for dinner tonight, right? He might be okay then.”

Eddie realized Chim only sounded half confident about that, they couldn’t file a missing person’s report since it hadn’t been 24 hours yet and dispatch couldn’t be called to a vacant home for emergencies.

But it was true that Buck had messaged him earlier, a brief message stating “Can’t come tonight. Raincheck.”, Christopher on the other hand, got a longer text stating that he couldn’t come to dinner because of his apartment being a mess and having to move his stuff around.

“I might know where he is.” Eddie explained as he helped Chris get into the truck, the calling switching from phone to the truck’s blue tooth.

“How?”

Eddie pulled up the find my friends up. He had set it up on Chris’ phone in case of emergencies, but he had also set it up on his phone and Bucks’ as well after the tsunami. He had almost forgot about it till Chris reminded him.

(Eddie wasn’t happy that he had to take Chris with him, he wanted to drop him off at Pepe’s home, but Chris smartly pointed out that Pepe had a early morning shift and would be dead asleep and their abuela couldn’t be exposed to Covid-19 since she was such high risk

“You can’t go with me, Chris.”

“He’s my Buck too, dad. I’m going!”)

“Buck convinced me to download this app that tracks the phone holders whereabouts, got it for Chris, but then Buck and I both downloaded onto our phones.” Eddie explained.

“So you can find him?!” Chim asked, there was muffled noises for a moment. Maddie was clearly listening in cause Eddie heard her a moment later.

“Eddie, can you find him?” Maddie asked.

Eddie refused to flinch at how broken she sounded.

“Y-Yeah Maddie.” Eddie looked at his rear view mirror to see Christopher looking out his window, his face scrunched up as he studied everyone and anyone who they drove by. “We’ll find him, I promise you that.”

“Thank you, Eddie.” Maddie’s voice broke, a sob shattering him and Chris. He glanced at his son again, to find Christopher looking back at him, afraid now. 

Chim’s voice came back, “Thanks Eddie, keep us posted.”

Eddie shook his head, not caring if it was just a phone call and Chim couldn’t see him. Eddie quickly entered the address that was listed as Buck’s last location.

Eddie was fully aware he was speeding, but didn’t care. Chris occasionally would warn him to slow down, reminding him that they could have sped past Buck without realizing it.

“You tried calling him yet?” Eddie asked his son.

Chris nodded, “He messaged me saying he couldn’t talk. He said he would call me tomorrow.” Chris gave his dad a worried look.

Eddie was to kill him.

Ten minutes later they were at the location the app said Buck was “pinged” at. It was a quiet neighborhood, not that far from the Airbnb that Buck had deserted. “He should be around here somewhere.” Eddie muttered under his breath as they drove slowly around the neighborhood.

“Is that a jeep?” Chris asked, causing his dad to press the brakes sort of hard. If it where any other time, Christopher would have laughed at being jostled.

“Where?”

Chris pointed to his right, a few blocks off was a community center. A few cars were parked on the street, but there was only one jeep.

Buck’s jeep.

Eddie slowly pulled the truck next to the jeep and noticed a few things- one) there were bags in the back of the seat and two) someone clearly was sleeping since the front seat was pulled way back.

Eddie put his hazard lights on and put the truck in park. He turned to Chris, “Stay low and stay inside, okay?” Chris nodded.

Eddie took out his keys and cell phone just in case as he approached the car and looked inside.

He sighed in relief and in anger.

Yeah, there was Buck.

Asleep in his jeep.

Before Eddie could think of a more reasonable response to finding out his friend was safe and sound and sleeping in his own damn car, Eddie slammed his hands against the window, hard.

Buck woke with a startle, sitting up frantically as he looked around to see a furious Eddie.

Buck groaned, feeling a headache forming between his eyes, behind him- Buck could see the truck and a very worried Christopher looking out at him.

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all!  
> Ch 4: Bend and break.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck sighed, “You sure you want me to spend the night? I’m a horrible influence, clearly.” Buck tried to plead.  
> “You wanna know how many swear words he knows in Spanish because of me?” Eddie asked sarcastically as he pushed Buck into the jeep.  
> “All of them.” Chris piped up.

“Fuck.” Buck groaned, falling back into his seat again. His head was still killing him, it didn’t help that Eddie slammed his fist against the window this time.

“Open the door or roll down the window.” Eddie warned him, his voice gritty.

Buck sighed as he pulled his chair up to the sitting position and opened his car door, Eddie stepped more so into his space, his arms crossed and jaw ticking in annoyance as Christopher just looked at them confused.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Eddie started off, “What the hell are you even doing here? Why didn’t you call me?” Buck huffed at that, wincing as he turned his self to face Eddie.

“I had to cancel my Airbnb and the place I booked isn’t available till tomorrow evening, figured I handle sleeping in my car for tonight. Did before.” Buck explained, as reasonably as possible.

Eddie bit the inside of his cheek, he could read Buck like a book- not a brag since Buck wore his emotions on his sleeve, especially with Eddie.

“That’s bull, and you know it.” He stated, unimpressed. “Want to tell me the truth this time? You had all worried about you.”

“I messaged you and Chris.” Buck snaps, his voice a mere whisper as he stole a glance at Chris.

Eddie shook his head, pushing the car door wider, his whole frame felt like it would encroach Buck’s space. Despite Buck being taller, he always felt Eddie had an actual presence to look intimidating at the drop of hat.

“Yeah, but you also had a fu-“ Eddie bit his lip, remembering Christopher was more than listening to all this. “Will talk more when we get home. Let’s go.” Eddie ordered him.

“Wha?” Buck asked, brow furrowed as he saw Eddie to turn around. “Eddie, I can stay out for one night, I have a room booked for tomorrow.”

Eddie raised a brow at that, “You’re not seriously thinking I’m gonna let you stay and sleep in your car, are you? Are you that thick headed?”

“No,” Buck growled, he was out of the car now, standing up to full size- trying his best to look intimidating. “And let me?”

Eddie let out a short laugh, “Yeah, let you.” He watched Buck lean against the door frame, “But hey, if you think staying in your jeep all night is better than staying with me, so be it.” He turned around to get into his car and made a show to text someone. “Wonder how Athena would feel if a call was made about a person sleeping in their jeep in some random neighborhood?” he took a glance at Buck who looked alarmed and betrayed.

All that faux-bravado gone as he dropped his arms to his sides and his shoulders slumped, “You wouldn’t.”

Eddie shrugged, ignoring the muffled giggle from Chris. “You know how grumpy she can be during her overnight shifts, especially now with folks breaking covid protocol here and there.” He explained smugly.

“You are a d-i-c-k.” Buck said through his teeth, rubbing his face in frustration. Eddie, he would be okay going against, if anything this could have made separating from Eddie easier.

But Athena…

He wasn’t ready for that yet.

“I know how to spell Buck.” Chris called out from the back seat of the car, earning a wince from both men.

“Sorry buddy.” Buck sighed, “You sure you want me to spend the night? I’m a horrible influence, clearly.” Buck tried to plead.

“You wanna know how many swear words he knows in Spanish because of me?” Eddie asked sarcastically as he pushed Buck into the jeep.

“All of them.” Chris piped up. 

Eddie shook his head, smiling despite himself. “Go.” He told Buck.

“Don’t trust me enough to take my time getting there?” Buck asked, a bit of a smirk as he closed the oor to the jeep and started the car.

“Of course not.” Eddie told him as he got into his own car.

Fifteen minutes later the three were back at home, with Eddie messaging the gang that he had Buck and Buck taking one bag into the home.

(“I’m only staying the night.” Buck reminded him, making a show to only take the one bag of clothing into the house.

Eddie shrugged, “Doesn’t matter to me, you already have clothes and toothbrush here anyway.” He reminded the younger man pointedly.)

Buck was well acquainted with the home already- and Eddie was right, he had stuff there already. Realistically, he knew it would have been easier to just go to Eddie’s place at his usual time and ask to stay there till his apartment was good to go.

But that would have been asking for too much.

He would have been overly attached.

And needed to be as distant as possible sooner or later, especially if Ana was going to become involved.

Buck ignored the tightness from his hands as he started to knead the bed as way to ground himself. He could feel the pain again, he could feel his chest tightening and his mouth becoming dry as thought back to what his parents said to him.

“Can I come in?” Eddie’s voice broke his trance. “We need to talk.” Eddie started off, leaning against the closed door.

“Do we have to right this minute?” Buck asked uncertain. It was late, while Eddie was off, Buck wasn’t.

“Well, I would wait for a better time, but you have been avoiding me any chance you get and I’m not in a mood to _wait_ till you process whatever you’re processing.” Eddie explained, his tone neutral but Buck could see the annoyance and hurt in his eyes.

He could Eddie like a book most times.

“It’s not you, okay?” Buck sighed, leaning back on the bed. “I-I’m trying to figure out some stuff right now and I have to do it al-I have to do it on my own.” Buck refused to wince at the near slip. He was getting tired and panic was sitting on his chest.

Eddie pushed himself off the door, walking closer to him. “Is that it?”

Buck nodded.

“Yeah-No, there’s something else.” Eddie deduced, taking the sight of Buck in. “If you’re not ready to tell me, then yeah, that’s fine. But for god’s sake, Buck, you can talk to me though.” He sat next to Buck on the bed, not missing Buck scoot away from him.

Eddie ignored the jab of hurt that caused, Chimney was right. He was acting out of character- if anything Buck wanted to be tactile. He wouldn’t have scooted farther; he would have scooted closer; making a show of it and smiling.

“I know you had a panic attack tonight- I’m not going to ask you what that was about because you don’t want to talk about it or you don’t want to me. That’s fine.”

Buck shook his head, not trusting himself to speak in the case he allows himself to become more attached to Eddie.

“I know these past few weeks have been rough on you and Maddie. I know it’s a lot to process.” Eddie could see his best friend was fighting something internally. Buck was playing it okay with making his features look stoic- but his eyes gave him away every time. They were glossy and slightly blood shot. He let his hand linger on Buck’s back for a moment. “Just remember, I got your back though.” He reminded his friend.

Buck nodded not saying anything till Eddie was at the door. “I know.” He finally looked up at Eddie. “I’ve got yours too.” 

After messaging everyone saying he was fine and safe and hearing a earful from TK , Maddie, and Bobby, Buck fell back on the bed, emotionally exhausted and done. 

He wasn’t gonna a wink of sleep tonight.

And he was unfortunately right, it was six am. He didn’t need to be at work till noon but his mind and body were working against him. He was tossing and turning a lot and had woken up in a panic.

Fucking nocturnal panic attacks.

He felt like he was getting them every other day now, when in fact he only had two since Monday. The panic attacks though…yesterday was probably the worse he had.

He knew what caused them.

(That fucking session)

He knew who caused them.

(His parents would never know they did to him)

And why they had gotten so extreme.

(“… _we never hoped for another kid after Daniel and Maddie_.” “ _We never learned how to want to keep you.”_

_“You were born to rescue someone and you do that now every day. Daniel would have proud of you.”_

_“But are_ you _?”_ )

“Fucking ghosts.” Buck murmured into his hands, his body feeling sore already.

He got up and out of bed, brushing his teeth and using the toilet before heading out to the kitchen to see Chris already up. “Early rise, even on a Saturday? I’m impressed.” Buck joked in lieu of a ‘Good morning.’

Chris smiled for a moment before setting in a slight frown, “I couldn’t really sleep.”

“You okay?” Buck asked pouring himself and Chris a glass of juice. He sat across from Chris, waiting patiently for the young boy to answer.

Chris shrugged, “Are you okay?”

Buck chuckled as he took a sip, “See you are working in the art of deflection early in the morning.” He took in Christopher’s worried look at him. “Uh, yeah.” He groaned, “I’m really sorry, buddy.” He played with the cup, turning it back and forth a bit. “I-I just wasn’t in a good mood yesterday and needed to get my head on straight.”

“You could have come here though. We would have cheered you up.”

Buck huffed out a laugh at Chris’ sincerity, “I know, I should of.” He reached out to grasp Chris’ hand. “Why don’t I make it up to you and your dad, special treat for breakfast?”

“Yes!” Chris tried whispering excitedly, he looked at the living room. “Could you help me with my morning stretches though? We can work out and I can help you with breakfast.”

“Deal.” Buck smiled, fist bumping Chris as he helped the younger boy with his crutches.

Eddie was up and out of bed by eight am, stirred from his bed by something sweet and spicy permeating through his bedroom. “He did not make cake.” Eddie sighed as he put on a t-shirt and sweat pants, he stepped out of his room to see Chris and Buck using the standing punching bag. Chris was always excited to use the boxing gloves and spar with him whenever they were given the chance now.

“Morning.” He greeted the two as he walked to the bathroom.

“Morning dad.”

“Morning Eddie.” 

The two didn’t look up, Christopher was still punching the bag as Buck cheered him on and counted the punches.

Eddie grinned to himself, Christopher was definitely his son with those punches and focus, he wasn’t surprised that his son and Buck had such a bond though- Christopher and Buck shared a sense of excitement and energy that Eddie himself never had.

Eddie prided himself on making sure Chris never felt different.

Buck took that and ran with it at any chance possible- from boxing, to skate boarding, to rock climbing to horse back riding. Hell, Chris and Buck even went back to the beach for Chris to show Buck how he could surf.

After he finished up using the bathroom, he came back out to see Christopher at the table, a few small bowls fille half way with berries and banana slices, along with a bottle of maple syrup.

Eddie rolled his eyes as he saw what Buck had set down on the island counter. “You made cake for breakfast?”

Buck smiled, while the skin under his eyes looked a bit gray, his eyes were bright. No evidence of someone who had a panic attack was present.

Hanging out with Christopher at times was really better than therapy.

“ _Breakfast_ cake for breakfast.” Buck corrected; his eyes filled with mirth. He handed Eddie a cup of coffee.

Eddie was inclined to forgive Buck since the coffee was made perfectly to his preference; dark roast with lots sugar and cream. Eddie peeked at the other cup by Buck. “Let me guess, brewed your oat milk and agave syrup latte?”

Buck stuck out his tongue, “I make you breakfast cake and this is you how you treat me?” he teased, a hand to his heart. “That cuts deep, Eddie.”

“Riiight.” Eddie hummed as he accepted a plate of the cake and took some berries and slices of bananas from the bowl onto his plate. “Part of me thinks you only got that nightmare of coffee maker so you could get coffee done your way when you spend the night here.”

Buck tried to hide the knowing grin behind his cup of coffee.

“The cake is good, right dad?” Chris asked, making his way to the island for his third piece. “Buck wanted to make a frittata with _kale_ and spinach but I stopped him.” Chris looked up excitedly at Buck, “Could we make lasagna tomorrow? I’ll help.” Chris asked pleadingly, puppy eyes and all.

Before Eddie could say no- on the account that Buck would probably be exhausted after working a twenty four hour shift, Buck answered “Sure. I’ll make sure to get whatever we need.”

“Great!” He popped a few blueberries into his mouth. “No veggies!”

“What is your aversion to greens? What did vegetables ever to do you?” Buck asked confused, he didn’t miss the guilty look on Eddie’s face though. He knew the aversion was a shared trait.

‘ _Apple never falls far the tree_.’ Buck thought rolling his eyes, Eddie refused to eat veggies sometimes, he never thought zucchini noodles could cause such a debate between them. 

“They’re just bad.” Chris stated simply, “Can I watch Food Wars while eating breakfast?”

Buck and Eddie were slightly amused and taken back at how Chris was looking at the both of them for permission.

“Yeah.” Eddie grinned at the slight awe face Buck was sporting, his cheeks turning red. “Just be careful.”

Once Chris was out of hearing range, Eddie joked, “At least you stuck with the breakfast cake, he would have just been moody if you make anything with kale and spinach.” He took a bite of the cake again- bumping his shoulder into Buck’s, he little less annoyed to realize it wasn’t as sweet as he thought it would be, despite it having dark chocolate chips in it.

Buck shrugged sheepishly- a devious smile betrayed him though. “Did I make a cake _without_ kale and spinach, hmm?”

Eddie paused the forkful of cake and berries by his mouth. “You didn’t.” he nearly laughed out loud looking between the cake and Buck. He turned to see Chris still eating his slice. “There’s kale and spinach in here?”

Buck grinned, taking a large bite and causing Eddie to laugh more. “Along with a bunch of bananas, oatmeal, and some protein powder.”

Eddie stared at the cake on his plate and bumped his hip against Buck’s. “You got this parenting cooking hacks down and locked.” He said impressed, “C’mon, show me your ways.” He joked taking another bite of the cake, but realized that with every touch Buck either froze or took a step further, even leaning away from him at times.

Eddie tried to not let the jab of hurt annoy him as Buck took a seat at the table finally, “I don’t know how you got all your muscles if you Diaz boys are so against eating vegetables.”

Eddie thought of one thing to test his theory, he set his hand against the back of Buck’s neck. “Well, with you staying here, at least Chris will get his recommended intake of fruits and veggies.”

Buck’s whole entire body flinched at the touch.

“What time are you coming tomorrow? I can get groceries for you.” Eddie asked, knowing he couldn’t bring up the issue at hand. At least not now.

“Uh, probably around dinner time?” Buck answered slowly, Eddie knew the answer. “I’ll drop by the Airbnb to drop off my stuff though.”

“Or you can just stay here.” Eddie suggested.

“Eddie-”

“You’re here most days, why not just stay till your apartment gets fixed?” Eddie asked seriously.

“Because that mean me staying here for at least _two_ months.” Buck tried to reason, ignoring the debate he was having with himself. To stay or to not stay, to get attached more or slowly back away.

“I stayed with you for nearly four months.” Eddie replied easily, referring to when they had to quarantine together during the first rounds of shut downs.

“That was different.” Buck stated, “We were all doing that.” He leaned back in chair, “I don’t want to overstay my welcome here. I already feel like I’m –”

Eddie shook his head vehemently, “You’re not, whatever you’re thinking, that’s not the case.” He looked over again to where Chris was, plate now empty. “You can stay for however long you want or need. We’re not kicking you out.”

The turmoil between himself was going into full battle mode now. Buck _wanted_ to stay, he _liked_ being with Eddie and Chris. But he knew he had to learn how to distance himself from them.

‘ _I can’t keep them_.’ He thought miserably.

He wanted someone to call his own.

As the thought passed through his mind, he remembered what his parents told him.

“ _We never learned how to want to keep you_.”

He hadn’t heard from them since that God awful session. He had spoken to Dr. Copeland three times since then.

“And what about Ana?” Buck asked cautiously, “You think she would be understanding on you having a roommate while you two are dating?”

Eddie frowned at that, “Why would that matter? She can’t come here anyway- neither of us want to risk exposing our family.”

“You’re letting me stay here though?”

Eddie gave him a wary look, without wanting to exacerbate whatever issues Buck was having, he only pointed out how often he and Buck were tested, versus Ana who only had two in the past year since her job was remote. Internally though, Eddie couldn’t help but think ‘ _You are family_.’ “So stay.” Eddie decided for him.

Buck wiped is face, “I’ll think about it.” He got up from the table and started to clean. Eddie rushed over to him, forcing him to step back away from the sink. “Eddie, c’mon.”

They had an unwritten rule, whoever cooked doesn’t clean. Which meant that Buck was mostly the cook and Eddie mostly responsible for cleaning up. “You cooked; I’ll clean. Go make yourself another one of those fancy lattes.” He ordered as pushed Buck away from the sink.

It was too easy to fall into thinking he could keep him.

Buck was ready and bidding them bye by 11:15 for his noon shift, his back bag slung over his shoulder. Eddie gave him a travel mug of green juice. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Eddie asked, the actual question hidden.

Buck gave a tight lip smile as he took the travel mug. “Yeah, you will.” He promised, “I’ll message you the grocery list.” He gave a two finger salute.

“Bye Buck.” Chris hugged him, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Buck kissed the boy on the crown of his head, “Bye buddy. Drive your dad crazy for me.”

“Done!” Buck laughed as he could hear Eddie shout “Traitor!”

Chris high fived him before helping Buck close the door behind him.

“Hey dad,” Chris started as he walked to the kitchen, “Why does Buck have a pacifier tied to his bag pack? “

Eddie didn’t miss that when Buck had turned around, it was definitely not there before. A small blue pacifier was now tied around the zipper of Buck’s bag pack. Eddie shrugged, “Probably something Maddie gave him as a joke?” Eddie assumed; he guided his son back to the living room. “Let’s get some punches out the way, what do you say?”

 _Day before_ ….

“Hello there.” A muffled voice greeted.

Buck closed the back of the jeep to see a older man across the street wearing a face mask. “Hey there.”

“You the new neighbor or are Mya and Osman renting it out?” The man asked, despite the mask covering half of his face, Buck could tell the man meant well in asking the question.

“Just renting. Airbnb.” Buck clarified, “I’m Buck by the way.” Buck greeted the man with a small wave. “Your new neighbor for about two months.”

“I’m Isaac.” The man walked across the street to stand closer to Buck, but still kept more than six feet between them. “Welcome to the neighborhood, you just staying to visit California or planning to live here permanently?” 

Buck smiled behind his mask; Isaac seemed friendly. He looked to be around Bobby’s age. Darker in complexion and hair though and heavier built. He definitely gave “dad vibes”.

“Uh, neither?” Buck tried explaining, “I actually lived here for about four years now, I’m a firefighter for LAFD.” He pointed at his sweatpants for further proof, LAFD symbol splayed down his pant legs. “My apartment complex is having some water issues.”

Isaac’s eyes widen, “You don’t mean those complexes by Parson’s avenue?”

Buck nodded solemnly, seething as he said “See it made the news.” He laughed alongside Isaac.

“Damn, shitty situation there. Pun intended.” Isaac joked; he nudged his head towards the home Buck was renting. A small bright blue bungalow with lots of greenery. It was a eye sore to say the least, but Buck liked the fact it was close to the station and Eddie’s home as well.

He wanted to stay close to Chris, making sure he kept his promise.

“It might be a eye sore with a sad story, but the neighborhood is nice.” Isaac told him.

Buck frowned at that, “What do you mean?” He immediately assumed the worse, getting ready for a story about how someone was killed in the home.

Isaac’s eyes softened a bit, “Mya and Osman, they were a cute couple trying to start a family. My wife and I adored them like they were our own, and I know they adored our kids. We have two, two girls: a nine and five years old. We knew they wanted their own.”

Buck nodded, his bags on the ground forgotten now as he listened to Isaac tell him about Mya and Osman’s son, Nadeer.

“Cutest kid, poor thing though. Didn’t make it past his second birthday. Diagnosed with leukemia before he turned six months.” Isaac said with sorrow, missing the shift in Buck’s demeanor.

Buck could feel his eyes burn as they continued to talk for a few minutes, Buck tried to push the wave of nausea and sadness away as he heard how Mya and Osman fell into depression before separating. How Mya blamed herself for her son getting sick and how Osman would break whenever he and Isaac would talk. How Nadeer was their whole life for two years and how any talks of them having another child was waved off with them saying “ _they couldn’t imagine keeping a kid after Nadeer._ ”

By the time he got into the house, Buck dropped his bags on the floor and slid down the door realizing with dread that he was getting another panic attack.

He was good at avoiding having one outright, realizing the signs of them coming and being able to deescalate before it was too late.

But nothing could stop him having a full-blown panic attack once he found that damn blue pacifier under the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the comments, kudos, and ,of course, for reading this story.  
> Much appreciated! :)  
> Ch 5: Kept


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Seems like TK and Buck are more alike than we thought.” Eddie sighed, “Maybe we should chat for a bit?” Eddie asked, Buck and TK were talking animatedly with Hen and Chim still.
> 
> “Yeah, I think we should.” Carlos agreed easily, following Eddie quietly out of the station.

_Friday afternoon..._

“Oh, now you remember me, huh?” TK grinned into the phone, laying back against his bed once he saw the caller ID.

“Well, its kind of hard to forget someone who’s willing to steal a firetruck with you.” Buck laughed back, falling back onto the worn but comfy sofa in the living room. He had put his clothing and toiletries away and was looking at what to order for dinner since he wasn’t up for grocery shopping or cooking just yet.

“And yet it took you a bit to call me back.” TK sighed, not mad at all but concerned.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you this? How’s the head?” Buck asked, he had cracked jokes to cheer up his friend’s continuous bad luck around guns and about not doing better or safer once becoming a paramedic when he found out about TK and his crew being kidnapped.

“Better, cleared to start working again tomorrow actually.” TK rubbed at where the stitch was on his head. “To be honest, I haven’t had a few days off just for me but yeah- kind of sick of my parents hovering around me.”

Buck felt a bit of jealously and nausea at that. He was happy that TK had his parents doting on him and found it endearing, he also found it sweet that Carlos was just as doting. He could always see the heart eyes Carlos had for TK in every picture they posted and when Carlos jumped in on their video call.

“They just care a lot about you.” Buck stated, “I’m glad you’re feeling better and I’m sorry I was a no show these past few days. I just got…busy here. Apartment’s pipes got messed up and now all of us have to leave for two months, at the very least.”

TK shrugged, grimacing a bit as his muscles popped as he got out of his bed. “Totally understandable, happened to our apartment in New York a few times. Know where you’re gonna stay?”

“Found a nice Airbnb close by the station, maybe if you get another injury you can come over here to recover and maybe find out why the universe is so adamant on screwing you over.” Buck joked, laughing a bit as he heard TK groan- a bit of background noises making it obvious he was speaker phone now.

“Don’t even joke.” TK said glumly. “And you wonder why I thought you were flirting with you when you say shit like that.” TK cackled as Buck shouted at him that he was being nice.

“I officially rescind my invitation to you for that, you jerk.”

“Suuure.”

The two started talking about their share of living in crummy apartments and the cost differences in buying and renting in Austin versus Los Angeles. TK snorted as Buck became irate about the cost difference and joked about moving to Austin to replace him on AFD.

Buck rested the phone on his chest as he let his hand fall over the couch, his fingers grazing the ground.

“Oh fuck off, you could barely stand the weather in Austin. What makes you think you would last a week?”

“Pay me what your dad paid you, I will-” his fingers brushed up against something cold and smooth under the couch. “Shit.”

“What’s wrong?” TK asked, “You okay?”

“Yeah, just- never put your hand under a random couch.” Buck chuckled as he brushed his hand under the couch again, whatever he was touching was small and rubbery.

“Why are you putting your hands under some Airbnb couch?!” TK grimaced in disgust. “Buck?”

Buck flinched hard at what was in his hand right now, a small blue pacifier. He could feel his chest tighten as a million and one thoughts wheezed through his mind.

_‘Nadeer’s pacifier.’_

_‘It could be any baby’s pacifier.’_

_‘Did Daniel have a pacifier just like this one?’_

_‘Did I?’_

_‘Of course, that’s why mom and dad resent you, you kept reminding them of the kid they lost.’_

_‘I’m not who they wanted.’_

_‘They never wanted to have me.’_

_‘They didn’t even want to keep me.’_

_‘No one ever wants to keep me.’_

_‘Why? I’m a good person? Right?’_

_‘Why am I here if Nadeer and Daniel are dead?’_

_‘No wonder why people always leave.’_

Buck was fully away that TK was still on the phone, but not really. His thoughts were going everywhere now, he felt overwhelmed and pitiful- a hallowing thought he used to feel after he got better and his parents went back to ignoring him after healing up

“Buck?” TK sounded worried. “BucK?! Answer me!” 

_‘Why did I call him?’_

_‘He never wanted to be friends in the first place.’_

_‘I just bulldozed my way to talking to him.’_

_‘Why do I keep wanting people who don’t want me?’_

Buck sat up, his vision blurry with tears and his head pounding. He felt like he was going through vertigo as he sat up. He had barely eaten anything but his stomach was churning, the coppery and plastic taste in the back of his throat a good warning on what was to come.

“Buckley, you gotta answer me. What happened?” TK was asking.

“I-I need to go.” Buck wheezed, his hands shaking as he felt himself start to dry heave.

“Buck, Buck. I need you to stay with me. Are you with anyone right now?” TK asked.

_‘I’m alone.’_

_‘I’m always alone.’_

_‘No one wants me.’_

_‘I always screw people over.’_

_‘But it’s on accident.’_

_‘Right?’_

_‘Maybe I’m broken.’_ Buck laughed at the thought. Of course, he was broken, he always tried to fix himself and the situation that he broke, but it wasn’t good enough.

It was never good enough.

 _‘I’m never going to be good enough_.’

“Buck? C’mon buddy, you gotta tell me if anyone is with you or where you are.” TK pleaded.

The guilt made it worse, TK had family and friends who loved him, he didn’t need Buck dragging him down. The nausea worsened as he ran to the bathroom.

“I-I keep _bugging_ people. I’m sorry TK.” Buck whimpered before hanging up.

Buck threw his phone somewhere on the floor as he leaned over the toilet and vomited anything and everything that was his in stomach. His muscles felt sore and tense as he sunk down, taking a moment to catch his breath.

He closed his eyes, trying to level his breath and scratching the floor to remind himself where he was. He finally noticed he had the small handle of the pacifier looped around his middle finger.

He never realized how small pacifiers were.

And how far they could be thrown too.

He broke down all over again.

\---

_Monday morning…_

Buck was actually enjoying staying with Eddie, much to his chagrin. He had a plan, a half assed formulated one, but a plan none the less.

And bonding more so with Eddie and Christopher was really eschewing with that plan. They had spent Sunday night making dinner and Buck had a bright idea of making and throwing water balloons in the backyard.

The night ended with making smores over a bonfire and Eddie and Buck arguing over music with Christopher laughing it up over how old their music taste was.

It was comfortable and homey.

He didn’t even think twice when Eddie offered to drive them together after they had prepped breakfast and lunch for Chris so he didn’t have to use the kitchen while he was attending online schooling.

(“Carla and I usually check in on him over facetime and I have the neighbor check in on him as well every hour.” Eddie had explained once they realized home schooling, first responder’s schedule, and quarantine were _not_ going to work well together.) 

No one on the crew blinked or battered an eye as the two came in together, coffee cups in hand as they went to the locker room to change into their uniforms.

Eddie still made no efforts to ask about the blue pacifier that was tied to his bag.

Hen wanted to, especially after Chim had confirmed with her that Maddie had not given it to him as a joke.

It felt like back to business with how everyone was talking, Buck realized he was quieter than usual but he knew he had to.

He had a plan.

And he was going to stick with it.

“Planning a vacation?” Bobby’s voice shook him a bit, Buck turned off his phone quickly. He sat up straight in the chair as Bobby stood over him.

“Uh sorta.” he laughed, “Quarantine and lockdowns have me excited to travel.” Buck offered lamely; in truth he was looking up the area around where the 1580 crew were stationed (a station in Marin County). It was a small and rustic beach area.

Not a bad place to restart everything as a co-captain.

He had also looked up AFD, he was unsure on how Captain Strand would see him after he had cajoled TK in stealing a firetruck.

Bobby’s face was hard to read, his stance non-threatening but definitely cautious. He looked tired and worried as he saw through the façade Buck was trying to pull. “Right.” He sighed, he patted Buck’s shoulder. “Think you would be willing to help me with making lunch today?” He asked.

Buck frowned a bit, it felt he had a say here.

“Sure?” He had knowingly flipped the phone so that the screen was down, not missing where Bobby’s line of vision was skittering to. “Uh, I could help you make this garlic chilli oil noodle dish I saw online. I made it for Chris once and he loved it.” Buck said genuinely excited, he knew that his growing love of cooking was all due to Bobby.

He shouldn’t be doing this.

Wanting to get more connected.

He needed to stick to his plan.

“Sounds good.” Bobby smiled; the blaring alarms caught them off guard but didn’t surprise them. “Will get around to it today then.” Bobby promised as they ran to the truck.

Some four to five hours later they were back at the station after dealing with two major car accidents back-to-back on the same freeway and construction site injury that was so gnarly that it made Chimney shiver as he recalled how he looked with the rebar going through his head.

By the time they made it back to the station, they were all craving lunch. Bobby kept his word and let Buck cook lunch- while they couldn’t make the chili oil noodle dish he wanted, he instead made pesto lasagna and chicken and some veggies with Bobby’s help.

Buck kept the conversation short and sweet, only really talking when the topic was on Bobby and his interests. Despite Bobby’s attempt in checking in on Buck and how he was doing at Eddie’s home, Buck just assured him he was fine, that the stay was temporary till his apartment got fixed, and would change the topic as quickly as possible.

Lunch had gone smoothly with only a few members of the crew surprised that Buck was the one cooking and Bobby had played sous-chef.

Bobby had tried to engage again with Buck during lunch but was clearly being shut down as Buck tried to push attention onto Hen and her experience in medical school.

“You sure you’re okay?” Bobby had finally asked, pulling Buck aside as the rest of the crew cleaned up.

“Yeah.” Buck nodded, “Look,” Buck started, rubbing his eyes, “I’m really okay.”

Buck tried not to get antsy under Bobby’s study of him, it wasn’t scrutinizing- just unsettling. He didn’t Bobby cared like _that_. 

“You know you can always talk to me, right?”

‘ _Yeah right_.’

Buck tried not to make his voice sound so clipped, but he was slightly annoyed and mostly pissed at how Bobby wanted him to crack.

He was so fucking tired and over breaking down.

He just wanted to focus on the future, wherever that took him now.

“Yeah, I know.” Buck answered as best he could without any emotion trying to bleed through. His gaze unwavering as he look at Bobby.

“Okay, lunch was good by the way.” He patted Buck on his shoulder before turning to walk to his office.

“Thanks Captain Nash.” Buck nodded turning away to walk back to where Hen and Chim were cleaning off the trucks.

He hadn’t turned around to see Bobby freeze at that, “Buck.” Bobby called out, trying and failing to not sound angry now as he saw Buck’s shoulders slump at that.

Buck’s armor cracked at bit as he turned around and Bobby quickly got a peak at how annoyed the young firefighter really was.

“Yes, Captain Nash?” Buck answered back, his voice devoid of emotions. He stood at ease; Bobby flinched at the thought of how Buck would have been if had stayed as a Navy Seal. He remembered Buck telling him how he loved the idea of being a Seal and how he made it through bud/s training (hell week) with ease but the idea of separating feeling from actions terrified him. He didn’t like how he was separating a part of himself- a very Big part of himself by shutting down his emotions.

He had told all this to Bobby within the first three days of them meeting.

The kid was so quick to attach himself to anybody that he didn’t doubt that Buck couldn’t separate emotions and actions. 

Alarms went off in his head as he realized what Buck was _trying_ to do.

He stepped closer to the young man, “My office now.”

Buck huffed out a breath through his nose as he followed Bobby back into the office.

\---

_Down stairs…_

“How’s Albert doing living with the new girlfriend?” Hen asked conversationally, laughing when Chimney shivered at her question.

“TMI has been the theme for all our calls.” Chimney winced as he wiped down the front of the ambulance, some other members were washing the fire trucks. “Trust me when I say this, I know too much about Albert’s sex life. Tequila couldn’t help me forget.”

Eddie shook his head, “He’s just in the honeymoon period, everything is bright and shiny then.” He offered to a peaked looking Chim.

Hen wiggled her eyes brows at him playfully, “And is that the stage you and Dr. Flores are at right now?” Hen avoided getting a soaked rag thrown at her, “Watch it Diaz!” she threw the rag right back at him, hitting him in the hip.

“Fuck!” he laughed out as the cold water soaked through his pants.

“Softball bitch.” Hen cackled, fist bumping two of the firewomen who laughed along side her before they went back to cleaning the fire truck.

Eddie rolled his eyes as he went back to cleaning the truck, “I mean, sort of? She’s an amazing woman. Smart, sexy, and incredibly sweet. But…”

Chim and Hen paused their work to look to him, “Yes?” What?”

Eddie winced, he looked around a bit and pulled closer to the two. “I-she made some weird comment about Christopher.”

Hen frowned at that, she knew how protective Eddie was and she also knew Ana’s role in skate board-gate. “What did she say?”

Eddie sighed, “She said Chris would be better suited to homeschooling rather than returning to school since he could get one on one assistance.”

Chim missed how that comment was concerning, but Hen looked dumbfounded, “She did not.”

“Am I missing something here?” Chim asked, looking between the two. “Was what she said bad?”

Eddie groaned, “Not bad, just weird I guess.” He turned around to walk back to the truck but turned around again, “She’s made a few other comments too. Again, not bad, just off putting.”

“Do you mean ableist?” Hen asked, crossing her arms- frustration etching her facial features.

Chim just looked more confused, “What does that mean?”

Eddie buckeled under the pointed glare Hen was giving him, “It means, basically language that’s offensive to people with disabilities.” Eddie explained, watching the information get processed.

Chim’s eyes widen for a bit, “Oh.” He moved so he could be closer to Hen and stand across from Eddie, “Isn’t she a principal?” he asked in disbelief.

Hen rolled her eyes as she leaned against the ambulance, washing them down pushed aside for the topic at hand. “That means absolutely nothing. You think teachers and principals are disqualified from acting without prejudice?” she looked honestly annoyed, “I know way too many teachers and principals and adjuncts who have screwed over too many kids because of their disabilities, of their race, of their gender, sexuality…you pick it.”

Eddie nodded, he wasn’t naïve, he knew this happened. Hell, he had teachers and coaches who were dicks to him.

He just didn’t want to think or believe _Ana_ could be like them.

“Maybe she’s just cautious?” Eddie asked, he bit his lower lip, “I did put her through a guilt trip after Christopher went on that skateboard.”

Chim pointed a finger at Eddie, nodding at him. “That could be true.”

Hen raised a brow at that, looking unimpressed at the two. “Is it?” she asked Eddie seriously.

Eddie stayed quiet.

Hen pursed her lips as she pushed herself off the ambulance, “I think you might have your answer there.”

Chim could see the slight crestfallen look on Eddie’s face and stepped closer to the younger man, “Hey, maybe she is really just cautious. If you like her and think she’s genuinely being sincere, give her a second chance.”

Eddie chewed on his lower lip for a moment, only nodding wordlessly as he went back to washing the truck. He couldn’t think of anything else as his gut was reminding him off all of the off-putting comments Ana had made during their video call and how she was so adamant she could be there. ‘ _She was just being supportive’_ , Eddie reminded himself. But something was gnawing at him.

He had done this before.

Looked for a nice bubble for himself, while leaving responsibilities at the door for a while.

It was nice.

But it usually clashed, crashed, and burned with his reality after a while.

“Can we help you fellas?” Chim voice rang through his thoughts, he turned around to see two men dressed casually. Both average height and well built, both had on masks but he could almost recognize the shorter guy.

He peered at the shorter man as a sense of déjà vu washed over him, “Strands?” Hen asked, she let out a half squeal as she pulled the young man into a hug.

“Hi Wilson.” TK smiled as he lowered his mask. “Nice to see you again, Diaz.”

Hen rolled her eyes and waved her hands at him for his formality, “Please, it’s Hen and Eddie.” She smiled. She pointed to Chimney, “And this is Chimney.”

TK smiled a bit, “Interesting name with the job.” He joked, earning himself a small chuckle from both Eddie and Hen.

Chimney smiled despite himself, his hands up in defense. “It’s a nickname, actually. Howard is my real name.”

“Yall go nicknames a lot here.” TK grinned, he pulled up the other man closer to him. “This is officer Carlos Reyes of APD. My boyfriend.” He introduced the three to Carlos.

“Nice to meet you all.” Carlos greeted them warmly, “I heard so much about you guys from Buck.”

Eddie crossed his arms, “Really?” he wavered on the heels of his shoes, “Didn’t really know you and Buck spoke like that.” He truly was surprised, as much as he liked the guys at the 126 he only rarely communicated with them on Instagram and that was usually when they posted something or when he would post a pic- which wasn’t too often.

“Oh, yeah.” Carlos laughed, nudging TK’s shoulder with his, “These two are pretty much always texting or calling up each other. Like peas in a pod.” he said, studying Eddie’s reaction.

“Is Buck in today?” TK asked, eyes roaming the station for the other blond man.

Chim ignored the weird non-verbal stare Eddie and Carlos were having with each other and opted not to look at Hen- who he knew would burst out laughing. He clapped at TK’s shoulder, “Yeah, I’ll get him for you.” He laughed, running up the stairs to the loft.

Hen took a moment to compose herself before she asked, “So, does Buck know you’re coming to visit him?”

TK shook his head, “No, figured after Friday’s call he would have create a million and one excuses to avoid me coming out to check on him.”

“He would have also been pissed that you decided to take off after just getting cleared to work.” Carlos added in hauntingly, his hand massaging the back of TK’s neck. TK only shook his head, letting out a low chuckle as he removed Carlos’s hand to kiss the back of it. “I’m fine though.” He told Hen and Eddie, who looked worried.

Hen nodded at that, “Your dad told me about that.” She stepped closer to him, examining the obvious scar on his forehead. “Nice trophy.” She smiled.

“Thanks.” He smiled bashfully at Hen. “I’m okay, really.”

“Good to know.” Eddie smiled reassuringly; Hen tried not to notice how his smile didn’t really look convincing as much as doubtful.

“TK?!” Buck’s booming voice made them all turn to see the blond slide down the firefighter’s poll and run to them with arms wide open.

“Buck!”

The two were all smiles when Buck pulled TK into what clearly was a bone crushing hug, nearly picking up the shorter man off the ground before settling him on the ground quickly and pulling away from him at arm’s length, “What are you even doing here? Wait, why are you here?” Buck attempted to touch the scar on TK’s forehead but aborted to rest his hands on TK’s shoulders. “Dude, shouldn’t you be back at work or resting at the very least…in Austin?”

TK laughed as he pulled in Buck for another hug, this one quick. “Came to check on you and give myself a few days off.” He answered simply, “I figured if the universe could hold off screwing with me while I got my bearing together in Los Angles.”

“Are-are you okay though? I mean…?” Buck’s eyes kept looking at the scar and the faint bruises and cuts on TK’s face. Buck breathed out his nose slowly, “I’m glad they’re in fucking jail by the way.” He took TK’s chin between his thumb and finger, the scaring looked worse in natural light.

“I’m fine, really.” TK promised, but Buck didn’t look convinced at all. Before Buck could open his mouth to call bull, TK pulled him over to where Carlos was standing. “And you finally get to meet Carlos in person.”

Buck pulled the other man into a hug, both agreeing that they didn’t have to be that formal with one another since they spoke and messaged a few times already. “Glad to finally meet you in person, brother.” Buck smiled sincerely, earning one back from Carlos.

“Likewise, great to meet the rest of the team as well.” Carlos nodded to the crew, “Probably not the most ideal time to travel, but we figured why the hell not, we’re both vaccinated and are really over due for a bit of a break.”

“So wait, were are you two staying?” Buck asked, looking between them.

“Got a really nice Airbnb, like really nice. Fire pit and patio and all sleek furniture.” TK bragged excitedly as he, Buck, Chim, and Hen got distracted with talking about cool but covid proof places to visit while in L.A

Carlos stood back with Eddie, “What’s the real reason for you two coming?” Eddie asked quietly, he could see the worry and anxiety written all over Carlos’s face.

“Without giving it all away, he’s dealing with a lot of family crap right now. Getting kidnapped and attacked was just the sugar on top.” Carlos explained, he felt Eddie stare at him and could only shrug.

“Seems like TK and Buck are more alike than we thought.” Eddie sighed, “Maybe we should chat for a bit?” Eddie asked, Buck and TK were talking animatedly with Hen and Chim still.

“Yeah, I think we should.” Carlos agreed easily, following Eddie quietly out of the station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks folks!   
> Chapter 6: Ghosts


End file.
